Why I've been single for 7 years


Whenever I tell people that I've been single for 7 years they usually respond with...

WOW... that's a long time
Why?.. you are an attractive woman
That makes no sense, you could have any man you want
Really...I couldn't do it.
Aren't you lonely



The responses I receive have been very interesting but also a testament to how society views us. Many believe being single is a negative thing. They feel and think it means you are unwanted, unloved or unworthy.

I'm single by choice. I could have a boyfriend tomorrow if I wanted to. That isn't me tooting my own horn..its knowing my value as a woman. I know what I offer and I know there are many men seeking for a woman like me...but.. it isn't something I require in my life right now and that's OK.




If you told me at 21 years old that I would be single for 7 years of my life, I wouldn't have believed you. I would actually find it very offensive because at that age, I associated relationships with being selected, being worthy and being a full woman. I believed that to live happily ever after is to have a boyfriend or be married, and this may be the case for many..but I've grown and learnt...this is very much so a fairytale. I believe Disney has a lot to play for this mindset. Have you ever noticed... the film always ends with they lived happily ever after but never speaks on what happens next...

I also believe social media has given many a false sense of what a relationship is meant to look like. I often see #baegoals #couplegoals on photos of perfect looking couples. It actually make me feel sick at times, because no one knows what happens behind the pretty perfect photos. I feel the same about couple youtube channels. All these spaces celebrate the good times and fun times but you never hear about the hard work and down times. Call me cynical but.. I just connect with realness and a lot of these 'couple' platforms aren't.




Very rarely are women told they can be complete beings without a relationship, for many we are raised and prepared for marriage. We are groomed to be the perfect woman for the presence and pleasure of a man, but often not raised to be the best woman we can be for ourselves. As many have heard..how can you love someone if you can't love yourself.

One thing I have been thankful for over the past years is that my mother didn't raise me to be someone's wife. I remember her telling me from young that I didn't need a boyfriend to live life and it stuck with me.

Funny story... I was asked out by a boy at 13 years old and came home to tell my mum. I actually asked for her permission and she said to me...''what do you want a boyfriend for?'' and I couldn't answer.. but I knew I wanted to have one so badly. I actually cried. Looking back its comical but it does make me wonder...why did I want a boyfriend so badly? I have also felt that same emotion in my teenager years and young 20s. I attached relationships with self-worth. I believed that if a man wanted to be with me, it would mean I was worth something. It wasn't until I reached 25 did I learn it was my daddy issues that were a big part of these emotions.




I've spoken about my fatherless-ness and daddy issues on my youtube channel years ago. It showed up when I was watching an episode of Iyanla Vanzant's Fix my Life with DMX and I just cried. I felt like I could identify so much with DMX's son and I realised I hated men. I didn't know why. I spoke with my mother about it and decided to do the work on me to figure out where that came from. I also realised all the men I had previously dated or been with were my dad in different versions. I also discovered my trigger points and now know they will constantly show up throughout my life, I just have to be on top of it. (I'll do another post about this in more depth)

I remember a few years ago a close male friend of mine expressed to me how disappointed he was in me for not settling down and having a child. I was shocked. I didn't expect that to come from him at all. Especially as I have never expressed that desire. It resulted in an argument and I felt a type of disappointment in him because I felt in a weird way...betrayed..I don't know if that's dramatic...but it had me thinking... does this friend even know me?
One of the lessons I learnt last year was to meet people where they are and not where you want them to be. I felt he wanted me to be somewhere I had no interest in. I have also had recent conversations with people who have said similar things to me. I get it.. I understand it..but I don't want that right now.. I'm good. I just wished people would understand that.



For years I was the 'home-girl' and never the girlfriend, men aren't the only ones who get friend-zoned. Its been a running theme for years. Men would tell me, you are so cool to hang out with, or I have a great vibe...but that was it. It used to really bug me, because I just felt like..what else do you need for it to be official. What else do I need to be for you to pick-me as your girlfriend..don't you want a cool girlfriend?

One thing I have struggled with in the past is men having interest in me. I haven't always been this beautiful swan. In school I was the big girl, with the big hair. Guys weren't interested in me. I didn't have a boyfriend in school. I felt a bit invisible and undesired until I got to college where I blossomed and really learnt about my sexuality, sensuality and feminine energy. Men showed more interest, and wanted to be with me. I had boyfriends that lasted for a few months here and there, but to this day I haven't had a long-term serious relationship.Is that weird, maybe. But I don't think about it enough to think it is. 

In my older years... I learnt that men only desired me for sex, not for who I am. They didn't care for who Rachael was or is. They wanted what my body could do for them sexually. That was so confusing to me and still is at times. I get slightly weirded out when men speak to me with interest at the club, bar or wherever. Maybe I still consider myself as the school girl in my head who no one wanted, which you would think would make me love the attention, but its the complete opposite. I find it weird most times. And it has absolutely nothing to do with low-confidence or self-esteem because I have tons of that. I think it is more so to do with...what do you want from me? why are you bothering me? You probably only want me for one thing. Its a sad way to think..but they don't seem to prove me wrong.




Have I experienced love over the years? Yes, I have. I believe I've met potential 'the ones'.  I've felt true feelings and love but it just didn't work out. I've experienced heart-break and upset. I've gone through some sad times and emotions. I'm human. I'm a woman. I've also learnt some amazing lessons throughout this period of the type of woman I am and who I am becoming. Seriously...this woman right here is... something amazing. I have done so much work on myself and I encourage many woman to do the same. Well you should be doing something constantly through your life because the lessons to be learnt will always present themselves. If you aren't growing you aren't moving..and life is moving whether you want it to or not.

The main reason I wanted to write this post is to speak on the fact that being single isn't a problem. It doesn't equal loneliness..it doesn't mean you are undesirable or un-wanted. It's actually ok. I am single by choice. I choose to put myself and career first before a relationship because those are things that currently fulfil me. And that is OK. Am I open to a relationship..sure if it enhances my life. If it is going to be a distraction...leave me out. I want no parts of it. I am not incapable of love, or emotionally unavailable. I'm a great lover and friend. I know my value and worth as a woman and because of that.. I can't just be with just anyone. That would be a disservice to myself, especially after all the work I have done on myself. I owe myself more than just the title of being someone's girlfriend just to say I have a partner. That has no substance to me.

I encourage women who may be reading this who feel lonely or broken. Invest in you. Work on your self-value. Work on what makes you happy and brings you joy. Yes relationships can offer those emotions and feelings too, but what happens when you are single? Do you not deserve those emotions too? Give yourself permission to fall in love with you. Allow yourself to be open to change. Visualise the woman you want to be, and work towards that. Trust me, as you develop into her, you will experience a love you have never felt before.



Photos were taken at The Hoxton, Southwark via a gifted experience. I took all photos and own the rights.
Clothing was provided by Pretty Little Thing and Boohoo. Affiliate links are featured. 



3 comments :

  1. Great post.
    I can relate to this in so many ways. This was me when I was your age, always seen as the cool “friend” but never quite made it to girlfriend status. I reached a point probably around the same age as you that I didn’t need to be in a relationship and I needed to fix myself first because girlllllll the absent father issues will mess you up and if I’m honest they still affect me in my now almost 15 years of marriage. I say all of this to say that continue to be tour most best and beautiful authentic you because the rest will eventually fall into place.

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  2. There are so many single people now. In my opinion, it is impossible to give a particular answer on a question: Why are people single?. It all is individually.

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