Who Taught You How to Love? | Self

I am learning as I get older that the ideals and fairytales of my youth have prepared me for a life that doesn't exist. I have learnt that romance is a ideal that is told to women to give them a unrealistic expectation of relationships and love. Don't get me wrong, there are people who can be romantic, but that isn't a 24/7 thing.

This week has been a very telling one, I don't know what is in the air. The running theme has been my relationship with love and how I love. I am a huge fan of the TV show Iyanla's Fix My Life, she is my aunt in my head. I had the amazing opportunity of meeting her last year, she is so amazing. As you may know I am a huge advocate of loving yourself, and finding your sense of self, but one thing we often overlook is who taught us how to love? Where do we learn our love behaviours from? Who showed us examples of how to be in love and how it operates. Our childhood is full of signs and red flags that we don't acknowledge because we were children, we were innocent living our lives as we knew how, but we also didn't realise whilst we were learning our ABCs we were also learning how to love. We were learning what is means to be loved, feel safe, request attention and interact with others dependent on how they react with us.

I have spoken before about being a daddy-less daughter, even with a father in the household until 11years old, he wasn't present in my life, and at the age of 30. He still isn't. Is it something I notice everyday? No, but it is something that shows up now and again, Yes. Iyanla Vanzant often speaks about women are who their fathers make them and they often marry their fathers. I believe this to be true because I have dated many man who represent who my father is and it took me years to notice this. It took for me to realise that I had a distain and hatred towards men and that I have a fear of rejection when it comes to relationships, because the little girl in me believes my father rejected her. I have also learnt that I cannot be responsible for the actions of my father as he may not have known how to be the person I needed him to be and have learnt to forgive him for that. Trust me it wasn't easy.

I believe the way you love is a representation of how you see yourself and the standard of which you hold yourself. A lot of times we entertain people, who we know are no good for us, to feel validated, to feel wanted, to feel acknowledged because we haven't given ourselves those feelings. We haven't taken time out to work on who we are and who we want to become in order to live better lives. We also seem to have a fear of acknowledging when we are hurting due to keeping up appearances and moving along with life, because ain't no one got time for that and we must be strong all the time!!BUT if you don't heal a wound, it will continue to bleed.

I wonder if we gave ourselves permission to be honest with who we are, we would find the places and spaces in our hearts that are in pain.

I believe we are capable of doing the work in order to become better for ourselves if we give ourselves the permission to do so. I hope reading this will encourage you to do so. Remember nothing happens overnight and nothing is easy. It requires honesty and patience, you are delicate and require the utter most care.

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